Please, Honey, let me explain<\/p><\/div>\n

Baby, please let me explain.<\/p>\n

It was just an article I wrote because of the episode with the Jets and the female reporter that was in the news.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t really mean it the way you took it.\u00a0 You know how I get sometimes.\u00a0 And, no, I don\u2019t really want to interview Anna Kournikova while she\u2019s showering.\u00a0 I was just kidding.\u00a0 Besides I don\u2019t have the proper press pass.<\/p>\n

Me and the guys were down at Hooters having a few beers and watching the game when the subject came up about that hot<\/span> attractive female reporter who wanted to interview Mark Sanchez, the Jets QB, you know quarter back.\u00a0 So we started discussing it and one of the guys, probably Tommy (you know how he gets) starts sticking up for the guys in the locker room.\u00a0 Well, it got pretty funny at the time but then again we had all been drinking beer.<\/p>\n

When you got on my case last night about my column I realized that I had overstepped my bounds with those \u201creporterette\u201d and \u201cchiquita\u201d cracks.\u00a0 You know I love you, Sweetheart.\u00a0 Please forgive me.\u00a0 I was just trying to be funny.<\/p>\n

Likewise about the sprayed on pants.\u00a0 They weren\u2019t really sprayed on but they were awful tight \u2013 not that that\u2019s an excuse.\u00a0 I\u2019m just trying to explain myself and as to the \u201cteats\u201d thing I just couldn\u2019t think of another acceptable term to use and the editor didn\u2019t change it and she\u2019s a woman so how wrong could I have been.<\/p>\n

OK, let\u2019s get to the \u201cpackages\u201d part.\u00a0 That is a modern term that\u2019s used a lot in hip-hop these days so I used it to try to sound cool.\u00a0 I thought my comparison of their \u201cpackages\u201d to her \u201cpackage\u201d made it even cooler until I saw how red your face got when you read that line back to me.\u00a0 I guess that was pretty stupid of me, huh?<\/p>\n

But wait until I get home tonight because I know you\u2019ll just love the little \u201cpackage\u201d I have for you tonight.\u00a0 Wait!\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean it that way but that is funny isn\u2019t it.\u00a0 See, I can be a little funny sometimes without even knowing it. \u00a0 I meant the \u201cpackage\u201d I bought for you today at one of your favorite stores.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna love it.\u00a0 It\u2019s an “asking for forgiveness” package.<\/p>\n

And I totally get your indignation at the \u201cfeminist thingy\u201d thing.\u00a0 I got carried away while I was writing the piece.\u00a0 You know I support equal rights for men too. \u00a0It was the beers, I guess.\u00a0 \u201cThingy\u201d seemed funny since I was writing about \u201cpackages.\u201d\u00a0 OK, OK!\u00a0 I\u2019ll let it go.\u00a0 It was just a weak joke and you know my sense of humor (or lack thereof \u2013 ha, ha, ha.)<\/p>\n

And Pandora\u2019s Box that was funny too.\u00a0 Even you lightened up when you read me that part remembering it as a children\u2019s story.\u00a0 It\u2019s really a Greek tragedy but the important thing is that you got it.<\/p>\n

And now to the other difficult part for me to explain\u2026that \u201ccubbies\u201d reference.\u00a0 I must have gotten that right because you got that too even though it gave you a migraine.\u00a0 And, yeah, I can see how the scent thing could be taken the wrong way but I\u2019m innocent of all charges on that one.\u00a0 It was that bear analogy again.\u00a0 I think I explained what the word \u201canalogy\u201d meant when we were discussing the differences between our mothers.\u00a0 Remember?<\/p>\n

And wasn\u2019t that \u201cGoldilocks\u201d reference clever.\u00a0 Oh, oh, and forget about the work \u201cfecundity.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t really know what it means anyway.\u00a0 It just sounded good and it had more than three syllables which impresses my readers (and my editor.)<\/p>\n

You know I love you and respect your opinion that\u2019s why I am replying so openly.\u00a0 Please forgive me and can I sleep in our bed tonight?\u00a0 The couch is lumpy like cellulite<\/span> and it frigid cold out there this time of year.<\/p>\n

Love you,<\/p>\n

Me<\/p>\n